you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
