You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
