If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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