you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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