Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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