she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
