The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
