he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
