If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
