A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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