this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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