So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
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