There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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