Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
