so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He did a backflip because drugs
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
