I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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