A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
