Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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