saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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