sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
