I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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