your parents love me but you hate me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
