Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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