now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
