my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
