This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
