I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
