Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
