shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
