i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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