I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
