After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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