im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
