there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
