She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
