So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
