Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
