It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
