true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
