i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
