So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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