In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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