for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
