that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
