Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
pray to the hookup gods
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
