Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
