Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
