So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
