i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
