If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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