My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
