so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
