Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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