Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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