I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
