please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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